Open Letter to Pediatrician

Dear Dr. Pain-in-my-arse;

While I appreciate you giving us one of the first appointments of the day so we don't have to wait for the new millennium to roll around while in your waiting room, I'm not thrilled with today's Kindergarten Well-Child Visit for my twins.

It started off well. Your friendly nurses did the whole height, weight (I actually cringed when the girls jumped on the scale due to my own fear of getting on a scale), eyesight and hearing. The girls were quite amused with the process and things were moving right along.

We got in a room and I was given the questionnaires. Ah, yes - there is nothing I like more than paying for a doctor's visit so I can perform a large part of the check-up.

What do I mean?

This questionnaire is supposed to be conducted by the parent to the child without anyone else in the room. This doesn't make a DARN bit of sense as my children (as do most) do MUCH better with any activity when I'm not around. And - last time I checked - I won't be sliding my fat butt in a teeny tiny desk next to them in Kindergarten, so WHY am I conducting this test!?!

The test was made up of cognitive type questions. For example:

1. Have your child stand on one foot and count how many seconds.

I'm sure it didn't effect the answer that I had them hold on to the wall, did it?

2. Ask your child which of these pictures makes a "moo-ing" noise. Pictures of a horse, cow, bird, man and dog were the choices.

They both picked the right answer (Cow for those of you playing at home), but I was willing to accept "man" considering we weren't informed of how much Jack Daniels the man had consumed prior to the actual "moo-ing" sound. I'm just saying I've seen many a drunk person make many a sound.

3. Have your child define the following: ceiling, cup, house

Normally, this wouldn't have been an issue, but when you are asking one child and you are still in the VERY SMALL patient room with the other child it is hard to get two original answers here. Not a very thorough test.

4. Can your child dress themselves without help?

Yes, but only if they haven't had too much Jack Daniels. Refer to question 2.

5. Can your child choose their own clothes?

Of course, but those clothes will never match and will - most likely - include some sort of fairy wings or Spiderman mask. What the #%*$!!!!!

You get the gist of it. But the questions went on FOREVER!!! I was literally in the tiny (I swear the walls were coming in on me) room with them for almost an hour.

Then you graced us with your presence. I have to admit - you are not my favorite doctor in the practice and I openly ask to see one of the other three wonderful physicians in your practice when I have a sick kid. I didn't think a physical would be a huge deal and thought you would be able to handle us without too much of a problem.

Yeah, right.

All was well when you came in. You reviewed their test results and other data and concluded that they can start kindergarten. Then you said the dreaded word out loud:

"SHOTS"

I'm very open and honest with my kids. I don't promise "no shots" as you just never know, but I wasn't prepared for 5 shots. Holy cow! I read over the literature and even the school had those shots listed as the last ones to get before kids start kindergarten, but springing "5 shots" on twin 5-year-olds is just cruel. Not to mention the fact that you still had a good 15 minutes before you could have the shots ready to give them. So - while you and the nurses took your time chasing down the chickens for the chicken pox shot, my girls spent the rest of what seemed like an eternity in the tiny room screaming their heads off, clinging to me and begging me to take them home.

When you stuck your head in about 10 minutes into shot "prep" time and said "we are getting them ready as fast as we can", I had a hard time not ripping your head off. Since you should be grateful you still have a head you shouldn't have looked at me like a deer in the headlights when I said to you, "No, please, take all the time you need. We're having a blast in here." in the MOST sarcastic voice I could muster over all the screaming and crying. Good times!

Your nurses were on the ball once the shots were ready. They had them done in nano-seconds. Thank goodness. Ash was good to go once the suckers and stickers were handed out (ah yes - she can be bought out by the best of them), but I knew Anna was going to make me pay for this the rest of the day. Lovely.

Hopefully I won't be seeing you again anytime soon.

Sincerely,

Mom to two Kindergartners (When the heck did that happen?!?)